"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. "Good God!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

A man rushes into a dentist's office. He finds the dentist in an examination room and yells, "Doc, can you pull a bad tooth right away?" Without a word the dentist throws the man into the chair, pries his mouth open, examines his teeth, grabs a pair of pliers and yanks out a tooth. "How's that? Feeling better?" he says. The man says, "No, and my wife still has a toothache."

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge." "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him, honey."

The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's hip a vicious pinch. The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed. "Didn't hurt, did it?", asked the dentist. "Not much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep?"

Tooth Fairy Form Letter

Dear ____________:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care

( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you.

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy

Here's a really mean trick that you can play on people waiting in the dentist's office. I recently had my wisdom teeth removed and had an appointment for a check-up to see how my mouth was healing. So naturally, in the oral surgeon's waiting room, there were people that were going to have some dental surgery and everyone looked pretty nervous. Except for I, of course, because it was only going to be a brief appointment (5 minutes or so). So after the check-up, I stuffed some Kleenex into my mouth, opened up the door to the waiting room, and announced loudly to my waiting father, "Boy! that was the fastest tooth pull they've ever done!" The expressions on the patients faces were priceless. And my father thought that what I did was extremely evil. Try it! You'll like it!

"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you ten dollars for pulling your boy's tooth." "Ten dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only two dollars for such work!" "Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."

A boy and his mother stood looking at a dentist's showcase. "If I had to have false teeth, mother, I'd take that pair," said the small boy, pointing. "Hush, Willie," interposed the mother quickly, shaking his arm, "Haven't I told you it's bad manners to pick your teeth in public?"

Willie - "I have an awful toothache."
Tommie - "I'd have it taken out if it was mine."
Willie - "Yes, if it was yours, I would, too."

Judge (in dentist chair) - "Do you swear that you will pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"

Victim - "Hey, that wasn't the tooth I wanted pulled." Dentist - "Calm yourself, I'm coming to it."

Dinah had been having trouble with an ulcerated tooth for some time before she got up enough courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched her tooth she screamed bloody murder. "What are you making such noise for?" demanded the doctor. "Don't you know that I'm a 'painless dentist'?" "Well, sir," retorted Dinah, "maybe you are painless, but I ain't."

GREAT WISDOM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.